


Alone In The Dark

by boltschick2612



Series: This Sweetest Goodbye Will Leave Me Alone In The Dark [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Colorado Avalanche, Established Relationship, M/M, POV First Person, Tampa Bay Lightning, Trade Deadline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-11
Updated: 2013-01-11
Packaged: 2017-11-23 16:59:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/624476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boltschick2612/pseuds/boltschick2612
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve gets ripped away from the Lightning...and Steven...by a shocking trade to Colorado.<br/>Written in first person, from Steven's point of view. Definitely not true. No harm intended.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alone In The Dark

**Author's Note:**

> Written shortly after Downie's real life trade to Colorado.

If it wasn't for the fact that the man in front of me was a good four or five inches shorter, I never would have known that it was Marty I was following into the locker room after the game. As soon as I stepped off the ice, my eyes blurred with tears and I couldn't make out the letters and numbers on the back of the jersey in front of me.

I knew I had only a brief few seconds to compose myself before entering the locker room to be descended upon by media wanting to discuss my two goal, three point night. So I had to do something in the space of seconds that I hadn't been able to do all night.

Push all thoughts of Steve Downie out of my mind.

Just as I knew they would, the media crowded upon me before I  had a chance to so much as unlace my skates. Canned questions received canned answers. I hope they didn't notice my eyes continuously wandering over to the stall which was now completely cleaned out.

When the media had decided that the Stamkos well had run dry, they had moved a few stalls down to intrude upon Garry, who had been named First Star of the Game. Honestly, I was glad when they left. It allowed me the chance to escape to the showers and there was nothing I wanted more at that point that to be away from everyone, alone with my thoughts, as dangerous as I knew it was going to be.

I thought the time alone and the heat from the shower would help relax me, let me refocus. Instead I found myself reliving the moment that I found out that Steve had been traded. I walked into the Forum tonight to find Steve's stall empty, and I knew instantly what was going on, but it still shook me to the core. I stood there frozen as a voice came from the corner.

"Colorado....Sorry, man."

I simply shot Clarksy a sideways glance and went about my business, ignoring the concerned look on his face. He knew what the rest of the team knew, that Steve and I were close friends. What they didn't know was that it was more than that. Much more. They had no idea how my world had been shattered by walking in to find that empty stall.

To find out about it this way, to know that I'm never going to be with him again. That we've kissed our last kiss. Spoken our last words. Steve is probably on a plane right now, and I never had a chance to say good bye. My stomach knots as I think about my last words to him and I can't believe it. I can't believe I could ever utter those words to him.

_I hate you_

We had been fighting earlier in the day and I said it in a fit of anger. I knew I would regret it as soon as I said it, but I had no idea how much. I was planning on hunting him down as soon as I made it to the Forum and begging forgiveness. I don't even remember what it was we were fighting over....

Instead, I walk into the place that usually brings me comfort to find that my heart had been ripped apart, my soul torn in two.

It feels like hours since the game ended and I retreated to the showers. Hours since I stepped out of the shower, towel around my waist, and numbly walked over to the row of sinks. Hours that I've been standing here alone in the bathroom. Alone in the dark.

So I stand here now, staring at my own reflection in the bathroom mirror, utterly disgusted with what I see. I can't believe I could have been so stupid. I should have known better. Should have known to never take Steve for granted, treat every day with him as it's our last. Because in this business, any day could be.

The sounds of the water dripping off my body and onto the tile floor send shivers down my spine. They sound too much like a clock ticking, counting down the seconds. The seconds that I wasted. The seconds that I'll never have again with Steve.

I can't believe I said that.....

I can't believe I said that.....

And now he's gone.

I can't bear to look at myself in the mirror anymore, the rage over takes me. Rage at myself. Rage at Steve for leaving without so much as a "Goodbye".

This isn't his fault. It's mine.

The tears are pouring down my face as I look towards the mirror to find my reflection distorted by a spiderweb of cracks. My fist is hanging in the air and my knuckles are bleeding. I can still hear the echo of the mirror breaking from the punch. I finally walk out of the bathroom, thinking about how I'm going to explain the broken bathroom mirror.  
  


 

                                                                                                          -X-

  
  
I'm standing in front of my stall, hand wrapped in a towel when I notice something propped up on the bench for me. It's a puck and it has masking tape wrapped around the sides, there's something written on the tape.

_Goal 42._

There's also a yellow post-it note attached to the puck.

_Sorry - M._

Good old Marty. Always doing what it takes to keep the team close and morale up. I toss the puck up in the air, feeling it's weight land in my palm. The palm of my good hand, that is. I should be happy. I scored two goals tonight. I have friends that do things like keep the puck I scored my league leading 42nd goal with, and leave it behind as a present for me.

But I'm not.

I'm not happy.

My eyes go back to his stall. Empty. Nameplate still hanging above it. I reach my arm back and throw the puck towards the empty stall. It lands with a loud crack and I decide it's probably best for me to get dressed and leave before I break something else.  
  
  
  
  
                                                                                                             -X-

  
  
I don't remember the drive home, much as I didn't remember taking out my self loathing and intense heart break on the bathroom mirror at the Forum. I find myself sitting in my car in my garage, alone in the dark, not wanting to get out and go inside.

This isn't my home, not anymore. Not without him here. This will never be home to me again.

All my composure completely vanishes as I break down, sobbing with my head resting on the steering wheel. My hands are gripping the wheel so tightly, I can feel the cuts on my knuckles widen.

I can't believe he's gone.

My thoughts flick back and forth between guilt, rage, and emptiness.My body is shaking and a few words find their way out of my mouth between sobs.

"Gone....loved him....how could I?"  
  
  
  
  
  
                                                                                                 -X-  
  


I jolt awake, still in my car. I must have wore myself out crying and dozed off. The dashboard clock blinks 1:34. It wasn't that late when I got back home....

Not home. Not anymore.

I unwrap my hands from around the steering wheel and wince as the pain in my hands shoots up my arms. The trip up to my front door.... _the_  front door.....isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I push the door open and step inside. Dark, just as I left it.

Alone in the dark.

I drop my keys on the floor and they land with a clang. I didn't have the energy or forethought to try and put the keys on the counter where they belong.

Right now, sleep is the only idea that appeals to me. I doubt it will find me that easy tonight, though. I stumble into the kitchen to find something to eat, being that I haven't all day. Every thought in my mind vanishes as I'm shocked by a voice coming from the dark corner of the living room.

"I was beginning to wonder if you were ever coming home."

Steve Downie. In my living room. I don't deserve this.

But I'll be damned if I'm going to waste another second, just as I did in the past. He steps out of the living room, where he had been sitting on the couch when I walked in. Alone in the dark.

As soon as his face is bathed in the light from the kitchen, the tears pour down my face and I pull him close to me, taking in the very sight and smell of him. I pull back and the words began to pour from my mouth as if a dam broke.

"I was sure you were already in Colorado, and I'd never see you again... and you hated me... and the last thing I said was...."

Steve stops the flow of words with his mouth pressed to mine, and my heart pounds as I'm overtaken by the sensation. As many times as we've kissed, this was different. It was a kiss of redemption. With that one kiss, the world along with the NHL and it's trades ceased to exist. He pulls away to speak, and I'm already longing for the next kiss.

"I know. I know you didn't mean it. I know you love me, and I know that I love you. That's all that matters."

"I'm so sorry," I say through my tears. He puts a hand to my cheek and wipes away a tear with his thumb.  
  
  
"They agreed to let me stay until morning. I have to leave at five am."  
  
  
As he leans in and kisses me, I know that I will never be this happy again, not while he is gone. Not while I have to lay in bed alone every night.  
  
Alone in the dark.


End file.
